Counselling issues

Assertiveness

The following pages provide information on what assertiveness is, how it can influence your personal and academic life, and how you can communicate more assertively.

What is assertiveness?
What is non-assertiveness?
What is aggressiveness?
How can being non-assertive affect my study/life?
How can being assertive improve my study/life?
What does assertiveness look like?
Tips for being more assertive
Putting it all together
What to do now
Practice situations
Online resources

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the direct and honest communication of your opinions, feelings, needs, and rights in a way that does not violate the personal rights of others. It involves standing up for your own rights, while acknowledging the rights of others, and working towards a win-win solution. Assertiveness is different from non-assertiveness and aggressiveness.

What is non-assertiveness?

Non-assertiveness (or submissiveness) is when you allow others to violate your rights by regarding their needs, opinions and rights as more important than your own. This shows a lack of respect for your own needs and can lead to feelings of hurt, anxiety and anger.

What is aggressiveness?

Aggressiveness is the opposite of non-assertiveness. It involves expressing and pursuing your rights at the expense of others, which creates the impression of disrespect for the other person. In effect, you are getting your own way, no matter what other people think. This, in turn, can lead to people having less respect for you.

How can being non-assertive affect my study/life?

When you behave or interact in a non-assertive manner, you allow your own needs to go unmet. There are many ways in which this could be detrimental to your academic life. One of the most common occurs when you allow family or friends to take up time you had set aside for study. For instance, if you have an assignment due tomorrow and your friends ask you to go out with them tonight, a person who was non-assertive might feel unable to say ‘no’, and would end up going out instead of doing the assignment. Another way non-assertiveness can affect your academic life would be where you believe, correctly, that you deserved more marks for an assignment but take the non-assertive approach of doing nothing about it. This could make the difference between passing or failing the course overall. Finally, not asking for clarification of a point your lecturer has made and that you do not understand can also be considered non-assertiveness. This could mean you miss out on some information that is vital for the exam.

How can being assertive improve my study/life?

Assertiveness can help you improve your communication skills, self-esteem, and decision-making ability. It can help you overcome shyness and anger. Feelings and ideas can be expressed in an honest way, allowing relationships to become much more genuine. The respect you show for other people can lead to others respecting you more. Assertiveness also gives you more control over your environment, reducing anxiety in difficult situations. Being assertive can lead to you having more time to study.

What does assertiveness look like?

The actual process of communicating assertively can vary depending on the situation and the thoughts you are trying to convey.

Basic Assertiveness

At the most basic level, assertiveness can be a simple expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. For example, “I feel upset”. Sometimes this is all you need to say.

Empathic Assertiveness

This involves recognising the other person’s situation or feelings. This is followed by a statement of your own feelings or rights. For example, “I can see you find this situation frustrating. I have also been getting a little frustrated by the whole thing”.

Escalating Assertiveness

This occurs when, in spite of your initial assertiveness, the other person continues to violate your rights. The assertiveness becomes increasingly firm. After several basic assertive statements, you may even make mention of some resulting action on your part. In most cases, the message will eventually get through.

I-language Assertiveness

This type of assertive communication is useful for expressing negative feelings and is the basis for many of the described below. I-language assertiveness involves three parts. The first is a description of the other person’s behaviour that bothers you: “When you continue to pressure me into going to the party instead of studying…” The second is a description of how that behaviour affects you: “…It makes me feel as though my wishes are not being respected…” The third part is a description of what you want: “…So I’d prefer it if you would stop asking me to go, and allow me to get back to studying.”

Tips for being more assertive

Deliver your message directly to the intended recipient.
Use statements that make what you want, think, and feel as clear as possible. For example, “I want to…” or “I feel…”
“Own” your message. This is where the “I-language” comes into it. Rather than saying, “You should…” try saying, “I’d really like it if you…”
Ask for and encourage clear, specific feedback.
Be specific and objective when describing the behaviour or situation.
Don’t use generalisations such as, “you always…” or “you never”. Focus on the most recent case, saying, “I noticed today you….when you do that I feel….” Using behavioural descriptions allows you to avoid using labels that hinder the other person’s acceptance of your message.
Avoid “why” questions to further reduce the likelihood of the other person becoming defensive.
Avoid becoming emotional when describing how it makes you feel. It may also be appropriate to give some explanation as to why the situation or other person’s behaviour makes you feel that way. Focusing on your feelings has two important effects: It invites the other person to see things from your point of view and, unlike statements of the facts as you see them, your own feeling can not be disputed. This is especially true when you say, “I feel…” rather than “you make me feel”, to which they may reply, “Well I don’t mean to”.
Be specific about the action required from the other person, taking into account the rights, needs and feelings of the other person. If necessary and appropriate, clearly describe the consequences of the other person’s behaviour not changing.
Do not be apologetic about your feelings, rights or opinions. Say “no” to unreasonable requests, also without being apologetic. Even offering an explanation is strictly optional.
Only address one issue at a time, rather than listing everything you believe the other person has done wrong.
Be sure to acknowledge both the feelings shown by the other person, and any issues he/she brings up, then immediately return to your point.
Maintain eye contact (if culturally appropriate) and use tone of voice and body language to reinforce your message.

Putting it all together

It’s nine o’clock at night. You have an assignment due tomorrow, on which you still have a lot of work to do. A friend asks you if you will proof-read her 5000-page assignment for her. You have already said, “No, I don’t think I have time to do that,” but she keeps asking you to do it. An assertive response would be, “I appreciate that you feel under pressure to make sure your assignment is correct. I am also worried about my own assignment. When you continue to force the issue after I have said, ‘No,’ I feel upset because my needs are not being valued. I would gladly proof-read your assignment if I had time, but right now I’d appreciate if you could stop asking me and allow me to get back to my own assignment.”

You are working on a group assignment with three other students. You have put a lot of time into it, and have almost completed your designated section. However, the other members of the group do not appear to be pulling their weight. In fact, they seem to spend more time telling jokes and making paper planes than doing actual work. You are concerned that if they continue in this manner, they will either not get it done by the due date, or do such a poor job of it that it puts you all at risk of failing. Rather than offering to finish each of the other members’ sections for them, or getting angry and upset with them, this would be the perfect time to use your newly-honed assertive communication skills. For instance, you could say something like, “I’ve noticed you still have quiet a bit of work to do on your section of the group assignment. When you joke around and waste time like this, it makes me anxious because I’m not sure the assignment will get done on time. I would feel a lot better if we could get serious about this and get as much work as possible done today.”

Other situations where assertiveness is useful include:

Standing up for your opinions
Accepting feedback and compliments – say “thank you”
Making requests or asking for favours
Refusing unreasonable requests. If you would not expect someone to do it for you when asked, there is no need to feel obliged to submit to their request.

Assertiveness can also be useful when dealing with criticism. While the non-assertive person may simply accept unwarranted criticism, and the aggressive person might become indignant, the assertive person may cope with the criticism in one of the following ways:

Fogging involves agreeing with the criticism, or agreeing in principle with the criticism, but maintaining your stance.

Negative assertion involves offering negative information about your self, while indicating acceptance of yourself.

Negative inquiry involves asking if the other person has any further criticism of you. This can lead to uncovering the underlying issue the person has with you.

What to do now

It is important to remember that assertiveness, like anything else, requires practice before it becomes second nature. Below are some sample situations for which you might like to think of assertive responses. When you are confident with that, try to apply the same techniques to real-life situations. If you require further help, you can make an appointment to see a personal counsellor at Student Services.

Practice situations

You still have a lot of study to do for tomorrow’s exam. Your housemate has finished all his exams and is having a party at your place. Although you are fond of his musical tastes, the volume is way too loud and is interfering with your concentration. Not only that, but his guests are trying to talk over the music. What would be an assertive way to handle this situation?

You lent a textbook to a friend early in the semester. It was brand new when you gave it to her, but now, when she finally returns it, the pages are all dog-eared, there are sentences underlined, and what appears to be a coffee stain on the inside of the cover. She has shown a similar lack of respect for your belongings in the past. How can you address the issue assertively? Include a statement of the consequences for her if this sort of thing happens again.

You need to use the internet to do research for an essay which is due tomorrow. The problem is that your son is playing games on the computer. Each time you ask if you can use the computer, he says, “I’m just about to beat this level,” or he just grunts, or fails to respond at all. How could this situation be handled assertively?

Online resources

The following are links to sites on assertiveness, including additional information, examples and practice situations:

Assertiveness - Brigham Young University
Assertiveness Training
Assertive Situations